I’m a perfectionist… Actually no, I’m super competitive. It’s not that I have to be perfect at everything I just have to be the best at it, or at least a top contender. I’ve always been this way. I remember my god-sisters knew how to draw a heart before me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t draw a heart. I cried for like 3 hours. I probably woke up the next morning and was still upset thinking to myself “I’m never going to be able to draw a heart.” I would get mad at my mom when she would color better than me. When I was in high school one of my best friends always had the best most creative projects. (She had an advantage since her mom is a teacher and had a ton of craft supplies.) My friend never knew it but I would get really upset when her projects were better and more creative than mine. I quit band when I realized first chair was out of reach. I cried for a week (or two) after we lost state my junior year. Because I’m so competitive, I must add that we won my senior year. I mean the list goes on and on. And honestly the fact that I’m 24 and I still remember not being able to draw a heart like my god-sisters when I was maybe 6ish says it all.
I hate to say it but, I’m still like this; which is good and bad. I hate losing so much so that if I feel like I may lose I tend to clip my wings before I fly so I can save myself from failure or not being up to par with those I look up to. It’s so stupid. I often times look up people’s beginnings to give myself encouragement, to remind myself that people don’t just start off great but they consistently work to get to where they are now.
I have this problem with blogging/writing/social media. I see these successful bloggers I read their writing and admire their blogs/vlogs/lifestyles deep down knowing that I could do the same. But instead of actually doing it I think to myself. “but I don’t have a really nice website design.” “but I don’t have a photographer to take really nice pictures of me.” “but I don’t have a super expensive camera and high-tech software to make videos with.” You see what I do? Instead of taking advantage of what I do have just to get started I focus on the things I don’t have. I’m 99% sure I make these excuses because I low key want my stuff to be the best. The more I write the dumber this sounds. And that’s the biggest disappointment… I KNOW HOW DUMB THIS IS!
At this point I simply can’t hold this in any longer. I do feel like God is continuously pushing me to use my gifts. I for one have to realize them and have confidence in them then use them. God has given me everything that probably more than I need to at the least, start. The gun has sounded yet I’m still in the starting blocks while everyone else is making their way to the finish line.
Below are links to a few of my favorite blogs. However, I went to their archives and found some of their earlier posts. The posts not long after their inception. And yet, I’m looking at what their blogs have blossomed into today. So, I’m done. I’m done with doubting myself, thinking that I’m not up to par, and competing in this non-existent competition.
Peace and Love,